Dec 10 2008
Happy Birthday Fred
Today would have been my father in law’s 88th birthday. He died in July.
Fred went into the hosptial the Monday after the 4th of July weekend, and died about 2 weeks later. During those two weeks I needed to call family and friends and give them information on Fred, what hospital he was in, etc. We all took care of the house while my mother in law was sitting with Fred in the hosptial (they have a very large yard that needed tending, and there was so basic maintance that needed to be done in the kitchen) and if we weren’t at the house we were at the hosptial, and then when he died I was busy again informing friends and family about the death and gave out information about the visitation and memorial service. I was also very busy arranging for my family to come in from out of state for the service and hosted them in my house. I was also going to work every day with the exception of the day of the visitation, which was on a Friday. When all was said and done, I never had the time to be sad and mourn.
This morning I woke up in a funk, I couldn’t stay focused on anything, I was easily annoyed, and doing things that I usually enjoy doing wasn’t fun. When the phone rang I just couldn’t be bothered to speak to anyone so I let the answering machine pick up. It was my husband’s aunt, Fred’s sister, calling to see how we were and to let us know she was thinking of us and the family on this day, that we didn’t need to call her back but just know we are in her thoughts. That is when it hit me - it was Fred’s birthday today.
I lost it. All the sadness that I had supressed in July just came barreling out of me and I started crying and I couldn’t stop. I tried taking a shower and cried the whole time I was in the shower. I was cleaning up the kitchen and putting together christmas gift bags with tears pouring out of my eyes. I can’t eat dinner. This delayed mourning is kicking my ass. My friend who lost a child told me that when you first lose a loved one your mind sort of shuts down the emotions when it happens to help you deal, and 4 to 6 months after the death is when it really hits you. It helped me understand why I was feeling what I was feeling today.
If there is one good thing out of being unemployed and being home all day is that I was able to have a melt down without anyone seeing me.
